parents vs teenagers:
the holiday survival guide

worried that you might throttle your teenagers or your nightmare parents on this trip? then read on…
words Patrick Strudwick illustration Nick Nelson

It’s all a matter of hormones. For a few years, teenagers are genetically predisposed to being moody, lazy and ungrateful. It’s nature’s way. Equally, during this period, for teenagers, their parents seem to be nothing more than embarrassing dictatorial monsters hell-bent on destroying their happiness, curbing their independence and, oh, dragging them round National Trust properties. So, when mums, dads and their teens toddle off on holiday together, the scope for slamming the hotel doors right off their hinges and screaming “I hate you!” in the middle of restaurants is huge. Parents really shouldn’t indulge in this kind of behaviour, though. It only sets a bad example. The potential problem with these warring factions hopping off to a foreign destination together is twofold: one, the sheer amount of time spent holed up together and two, the huge chasm between their agendas. For mums and dads, the idea of a trip means relaxation, culture and spending quality time as a family. For teens, it’s pretty much getting a tan, clubbing and spending as little time as possible with the folks. But fret not, both sides of the generational divide can survive, just by following a few handy hints…

parents

1 If your acne-ridden offspring want to stay in bed until 3pm even though it’s skin-peelingly hot outside, then let them. Bursting into their room at ridiculous o’clock while clapping your hands and barking “Everybody up!” is likely to result in something being thrown at you. If you’re lucky, this will be a few choice insults. If you’re less fortunate, it could be underwear that’s been worn for three days straight. And even if your Kevins and Perrys do rise, they will certainly not shine, instead choosing to make it their personal mission to punish you by making the day as miserable as possible. Plus, there are only so many times your teenage travelling companion can moan “I’m bored!” before you start to feel the same way.

2 Take nothing personally. The fact your adolescent doesn’t want to spend the afternoon wandering round a medieval monastery with you or playing cards on the balcony doesn’t mean they hate you. It means they would simply rather go down the beach and attempt to look a) cool and b) at members of the opposite (or even same) sex.

3 Don’t expect gratitude. However much time, money and effort you’ve invested in this trip, it will mean nothing to your pubescent brats until they leave home and have to do it all themselves. Receiving thank yous because you’ve all but beaten them out of being hormonally challenged upstarts won’t make you feel appreciated. It will make you feel like a tyrant. And incredibly tired to boot.

4 Instead, remind yourself that this could be the last time you ever go away with the little beggars. The calming combination of relief and sadness that should ensue will come in handy when they hog the villa’s one bathroom for three hours.

5 Try and avoid shouting at them in public. Whether or not English is spoken in your holiday spot, you may unwittingly unleash a wrath so heinous as to make any valid point you were trying to convey pale in comparison to the torrent of verbal abuse streaming back at you. The time for public remonstrations is over: it’s one thing smacking toddlers in supermarkets, quite another screeching at a 16-year-old in a supermarché.

6 The right balance of boundaries and freedom should keep your teens under control. While imposing a curfew, let them go to the local Euro-disco. Otherwise, you may awake the next morning to fi nd a howling gale coming through the fully opened window in their now-vacant bedroom. Try explaining that down the local police station…

teenagers

1 Never is the need for razor-sharp negotiation skills more important than on holiday. So, when trying to wangle €100 to spend on a little shopping excursion for yourself, resorting to the usual “You never give me any money, you’re stingy” tactics, will work about as well as a drop-kicked iPod Nano. Nope, pushing other buttons – namely the guilt one – will be far more effective. Try: “When you refuse to give me money I feel hurt that you don’t trust me to be capable of making good budgeting decisions. And isn’t it better that I learn these skills now than when I have left home, when it will be too late?” They’ll be reaching for their wallet quicker than you can say “por favor”.

2 On the subject of guilt, it’s the best tool for ensuring your freedom on the trip too. Explaining that the reason you need to meet up with that girl/boy you were fl irting with at the beach earlier is because with that person, for once, you don’t feel lonely or insecure, will buy you a good couple of hours alone together. Screaming “You’re just jealous because no one has fancied you since the ’80s” probably won’t do the trick.

3 From the moment you were born, your parents have been multi-tasking like maniacal octopuses. So using the guise of helping them out with a particular chore, while actually just going off and doing your own thing for an afternoon, will work wonders. It’s simple: tell them you need two hours to peruse the local market to buy ingredients for the spaghetti Bolognese (or whatever) that night, but actually hang out for two hours and then spend 15 minutes going wild in the aisles only to arrive back late, laden with goods and a good excuse for being tardy. They’ll be so hungry by that point they won’t give a fi g.

4 Parent love to see their children willing to learn new things and educating themselves. So expressing an enthusiasm for something of local cultural interest (tapestry, pottery, a travelling mime show) that you are convinced mum and dad will be bored by, will give you the perfect excuse to go off on your own. Result.

5 Equally, negotiating a night on the town for yourself will be made a lot easier if you convince your exasperated parents that it really is essential that you try out your foreign language skills on your own, without the help of adults. That you’ll actually only be using the lingo to chat up the locals need never become known. All the best...